Mizu speaks sense. There is nothing incorrect about what she says. He has no way of knowing what would have been had he stayed. Vergil already possessed doubts about what sort of father he might have been to Nero had he been there from the beginning even before he knew of Nero's true upbringing. Those doubts, when he imagines what could have been, do not exactly abate even now. For all that he believes he would have loved Nero the moment he knew of his existence to the best that Vergil was capable of loving someone else, there is no telling that it would have been enough or right for Nero. And that is nothing to say of what would have become of him and Nero's mother. There's a good chance they wouldn't have worked out long-term. After all, they were young, and Vergil has now way of knowing how raising Nero would have impacted them. And Mizu is correct that eventually, the demons sent to hunt him would have caught up. There was no guarantee that he could have protected them both when they did, and that he would not relive the same nightmare again. It was that fear, after all, that made him run in the end.
"I know, Mizu," he says, harsher than he means and jerking his face free from her hold. Vergil does not mean to lash out at her. Even if Mizu is probing at old wounds and regrets, he knows there not to be malicious intent behind it. But knowing that does not make it a less of a sore subject. "But what does knowing change? I did not plan to stay in Fortuna, but that does not mean part of me did not want to stay. It was the first—"
Vergil cuts himself off, looking away from Mizu with a slight shake of his head. He's quiet a moment, brow furrowed in a combination of frustration and anger at himself for his past decisions, and his seeming inability to convey why this regret is one he cannot reason with.
"After the attack on my family, I never once thought to stay. Not once did I feel the temptation. Even knowing the likelihood that the families who took me in suffered a terrible fate for looking after me, I never looked back. I do not now." Vergil looks at Mizu in a brief glance, unable to bring himself to fully meet her eyes. "But I will always look back at that decision with regret, Mizu. I had a chance for everything that I truly wanted even beyond my conscious mind. And I threw it away because I was too afraid of losing it. I left without saying anything because I feared I would not be strong enough to walk away otherwise, but I feared being too weak to stay.
"And yet, that choice changed nothing. It merely sealed her fate. Doomed Nero to grow up more alone than he should have ever been."
Vergil does not understand how it is Nero forgives him. Even knowing that Vergil did not know of his existence is not enough to absolve him of the hand he had in Nero's upbringing, in believing himself not to be enough and unworthy of even the barest scrap of love. Vergil does not think if their positions were reversed, he would have the ability to forgive so easily. He certainly doesn't even now.
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"I know, Mizu," he says, harsher than he means and jerking his face free from her hold. Vergil does not mean to lash out at her. Even if Mizu is probing at old wounds and regrets, he knows there not to be malicious intent behind it. But knowing that does not make it a less of a sore subject. "But what does knowing change? I did not plan to stay in Fortuna, but that does not mean part of me did not want to stay. It was the first—"
Vergil cuts himself off, looking away from Mizu with a slight shake of his head. He's quiet a moment, brow furrowed in a combination of frustration and anger at himself for his past decisions, and his seeming inability to convey why this regret is one he cannot reason with.
"After the attack on my family, I never once thought to stay. Not once did I feel the temptation. Even knowing the likelihood that the families who took me in suffered a terrible fate for looking after me, I never looked back. I do not now." Vergil looks at Mizu in a brief glance, unable to bring himself to fully meet her eyes. "But I will always look back at that decision with regret, Mizu. I had a chance for everything that I truly wanted even beyond my conscious mind. And I threw it away because I was too afraid of losing it. I left without saying anything because I feared I would not be strong enough to walk away otherwise, but I feared being too weak to stay.
"And yet, that choice changed nothing. It merely sealed her fate. Doomed Nero to grow up more alone than he should have ever been."
Vergil does not understand how it is Nero forgives him. Even knowing that Vergil did not know of his existence is not enough to absolve him of the hand he had in Nero's upbringing, in believing himself not to be enough and unworthy of even the barest scrap of love. Vergil does not think if their positions were reversed, he would have the ability to forgive so easily. He certainly doesn't even now.